horribly depressed
Well, I’m totally miserable today. Can’t stop crying.
DH and I talked about it, and I’m not going to do anymore fertility treatments for a while. No more clomid. I need to regain my sanity.
Adoption may be an option for us next year — but we disagree on almost everything about it.
IUI & IVF are both way too expensive. So, we’re kind of at a stand still.
I’m only 23. Considering all the crappy things that have happened to my body over the last 8 years… I don’t deserve this. I deserve to have children of my own. Surely, I’m more deserving than the mothers who drop their newborns off in a walmart bathroom stall… or the crack addicts who get knocked up…or the 13 year old kid who thought it would be “fun” to have a baby.
At first, DH said “well, you can just take more drugs” — until I started crying and explained that I just can’t handle it anymore. This is ridiculous. How does everyone else I know get pregnant…and I can’t – even with medical intervention???
Hello Erin,
I have spent the last couple of hours reading ALL of your blog. My SO and I are about to begin clomid treatment’s after two years of TTC. This won’t be my first ’round’ as I did this 12 years ago. Without success.
My thoughts are of you and your DH.
Michelle
It makes me so sad to read this. I feel your pain and my heart breaks for you. I wish I had some words that could magically make it better…but I know there are no words for that. I think of you every day as I go through my own fertility journey. My thoughts are with you and I am sending you a big virtual hug.
Well, I did comment on some things, on my little “journey” to find out “the deal”. I hope I don’t repeat anything, but if I do, just ignore. I was driven to find the cause of all of this horrible stuff, ESPECIALLY since you’re SO young! UGH! Well, recently I got my eyeful of what a vanishing twin is, or something quite similar. There was an Indian girl with four legs, and four arms. I’m sure you read about it. I couldn’t believe what I saw, so, that being said, shivers went down my spine when I read about your ordeal. Oh, Erin…*sigh*
Well, the only thing I can think of is that you still have your parts. I mean, you know we have two of ALMOST everything, so if one “gives”, then the other can take over. My friend “T”’s wife had a blown tube, due to a tubal…, and she even had multiple, multiple miscarriages, but managed, somehow to have three beautiful children, two girls, one boy. (they couldn’t believe it, either, but it happened) My OB/GYN said that one is all you need to get preggers. He’s reputable where I live, in the states, PA.
I’m wondering what happened, either yesterday or today, to make you think you’re headed for adoption? I know, none of my business, but, hey, if I could afford it, that’s what I would do. I would actually rather adopt because pregnancy is really hard on a person, especially if you’ve have any type of illness.
I have some obstacles as well, but they’re mostly with the DH, so, like I said earlier, it’s just a matter of time. If we had $$$ like the movie stars, I’d be over in Russia, right now, adopting a child, or a couple of children.
Erin, may all good things go your way…(I still say you’re fine, but I’m no doctor). I’m really SO SAD, and I did think that way, long, long ago, about never having my own chick-a-dees, but I remember it well, and it was TERRIFYING!
Thinking of you, always…
Its all so unfair. Like you, i look at the world around me and wonder how people can create life so easily and in such a carefree and (sometimes) irresponsible way. I wonder when i too will reach the end of this perpetual line, where everyone seems to get their turn, and some even jump the queue ahead of me.
I wish there was something i could suggest, but i know i can’t. How much would IUI cost? I feel somewhat guilty that fertility treatment is provided free in my country, when women like you are so deserving of that service. Again, life is so unfair.
I assume that you have got AF? If not, 11dpo is still a little early so maybe not all hope is lost.
Only you know how you feel about carrying on. This whole thing can leave you feeling like you have been squeezed through the wringer every month, and only to have nothing at the end is too painful for words. Sometimes your mental health needs the break too. Having said that, your DH is right. Whose to say that the next cycle wouldn’t be the one? Would your doctor be willing to prescribe more after a six month break? Like i said, only you know how you feel and if you can’t take any more, then you need to take time out.
I am sorry that you feel this way, and i wish i could give you a big hug right now.
Take it one day at a time. Give yourself time to heal.
x0×0x0×0x